There's been something bothering me for a while now and I'm not sure how to say this without offending some people, but I'm just going to go ahead and say it. I'm a stay at home mom, and I'm doing the RIGHT thing!
I've been so annoyed lately when people look at like me and say "so your maternity leave must be up soon?" and I reply "no, I'm a stay at home mom." Then I get one of two reactions. Either they kind of tilt their head to the side and have that "I feel so sorry for you, you little uneducated, can't pursue a fulfilling career, boring woman" expression on their face, or the smug "hmmmm, must be nice to have a husband who makes so much money to allow you to stay home." Rarely, and I mean RARELY do I come across someone who understands why I stay home with my kids and responds by saying "Oh good for you, I also stay home." I love being a stay at home mom. I just need to explain once and for all that none of the first two responses are true.
Misconception 1 "she must not have the education/ambition to pursue a career."
This is so, so, so, so, FALSE! Not only am I a college graduate, graduated with honors, but I also have a variety of job experience that would help me gain employment in many different fields. I've been offered management positions at several places before I found out I was pregnant which I turned down BECAUSE I was pregnant with Rosie. I also had a job working for Campus Living Centers as a manager and within two months of working there, was contacted by the general manager of another location, wanting me to transfer and offered more pay. I also have a lot of ambition, just ask my parents. I was the kid sitting at the end of my driveway with a lemonade booth every weekend of the summer, or putting on plays with the neighborhood kids and charging $1 for admission, or rolling my Uncle's loose change for him and charging 10% (I made $85 dollars !), or babysitting when I was only 12, or working 3 jobs in high school. I wanted to make money in every possible way. I actually LOVE working. I just enjoy it so much that I could possibly be one of those people that might spend way too much time at work. If I wasn't a Mom, I would probably be managing something or starting my own event planning company. I've just realized that being a mom is way more rewarding than any worldly success. I'm happy to focus on more important things in life, my family. I've also been trying to follow the prophet's counsel, that being a stay at home mom is the best way to raise my kids. I'll discuss that more in a second.
Second misconception, "Your husband must be making a lot of money to allow you to stay home."
Alright, I don't want to come across as one of those people who claim to be in a bad financial situation, but really isn't. You know, those people you just want to slap when they complain about finances. Well, I'm not going to say we're totally strapped for cash or anything, but we're certainly not rolling in it at the moment. We were both lucky enough to have graduated without any student loans, and Dave worked his butt off at his part time job while he was in school so that we could pay all our bills. We bought a house we could afford (we really just squeezed into this house) and we bought a car that costs a few thousand less than the car we really wanted. We find ways to save money everywhere we can so that I don't need to work. We look on kijiji to save money whenever we want to buy new things and we sell all our old stuff, like Rosie's old crib to raise money for other things. Dave has just STARTED his businesses, and although they are going better than I could have ever anticipated, he still has a few years to go before he's making the big bucks lol. So, Dave doesn't really make that much money, we just try our best to live within our means. We get my niece and nephew's old clothing for the kids, we shop at the bargain grocery store, we rarely go out for dinner and if we do it's to Ikea which cost less than $10 for all of us, we find ways to fix up old furniture to make the house look nice, and we keep a strict budget for everything else. We really try not to buy stuff we don't need. Seriously, Dave's dad cuts his hair for him, and I haven't been to the salon in over a year. We just figure out how to live without going into debt, and without me being forced to work. It's tough, but worth it.
Why I decided to stay home in the first place.
In Canada we have a one year maternity leave, which pays you 55% of your income. It makes staying home for the first year pretty easy. I knew I'd be home with Rosie for at least the first year. The rest of my plans were still up in the air. Deep down inside me, I just knew that I would never work again. I just knew the benefits to being a stay at home mom. However, the thing that convinced me the most was the LDS Institute manual called "Eternal Marriage". One day I was flipping through it and decided to read the lesson on mothers working outside the home. I've never heard so many warnings against mothers working. The thing that struck me the most was this quote
President Spencer W. Kimball
“The husband is expected to support his family and only in an emergency should a wife secure outside employment. Her place is in the home, to build the home into a heaven of delight.
“Numerous divorces can be traced directly to the day when the wife left the home and went out into the world into employment. Two incomes raise the standard of living beyond its norm. Two spouses working prevent the complete and proper home life, break into the family prayers, create an independence which is not cooperative, causes distortion, limits the family and frustrates the children already born. . . ."
If you read it, you'll understand where I'm coming from. I also love the talk given in General Conference a while back by Julie B. Beck, actually, I love all her talks. She basically just says it straight up. http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-775-27,00.html
I have to admit that there are some days when I feel like sending my kids to daycare and working some high paying job so we can afford more luxuries, but then I know that I would miss my kids growing up, and no job in the world could ever pay me enough to miss that. I love my children so much and I want to be there every step of the way because before I know it, they be married and starting their own families. I know that the world will influence them in so many ways, so I need to do my part, at home, to teach them the Lord's ways. It's a struggle most days, but I know I'm doing the right thing for me, and my family. My next door neighbor said that her daughters could always count on her being home when they called, and if she wasn't home, they knew she was just at the store or something, and would be home shortly. I want my kids to feel secure that I will always be home when they return from school, or an activity, or a date and that they can tell me all about it. I want my kids to feel secure that dinner will always be on the table. I want them to know that I would never put anything, not even money before my family and that I am willing to make sacrifices to be the best mom I can be.
So, to all those who judge me as a frumpy, oppressed, downtrodden, isolated... YOU ARE WRONG! I am active, intelligent, influential, and hardworking. I love, love LOVE being a stay at home mother and I plan on keeping it that way forever. I am so blessed to have a husband who supports my decision to follow the prophet. To all you stay at home moms, you are doing a great job!
Me Ka Aloha
- Elisabeth
